Week of October 6 – part two of two
During the week of October 6th we are discussing 2 chapters: “Set boundaries to your love”, page 9, and in the post below this one, “Stop Being a Pleaser”. We invite you to explore and comment on both chapters. Setting boundaries to my love is something that has been a struggle for me for a long time. It is because I so want to offer genuine love to people that I realize that the goal of mutuality in love requires a change in me for the good of others. It’s been hard for me to discern my own lack of boundaries except when I feel exhausted, used or manipulated. Henri Nouwen’s statement “The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of your self and hold them in the presence of those you love,” somehow rings true to me but my understanding is fuzzy. What exactly does “containing your needs within the boundaries of your self” look like? If it helps other people to be loved, that’s above everything else what I want to do. I think heaven must be filled with people loving each other mutually and earth is populated with people not being able to do that, plenty of oppression and exploitation and taking advantage of each other. Heavenly love is that peaceful love which is my spiritual goal. - Sharon
What is so important about setting boundaries? How can not establishing boundaries be destructive? What good can come out of setting boundaries? How have you applied Nouwen’s statement “the great task is to claim yourself for yourself” in your life?
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October 9th, 2008 @ 5:52 am
I’ll have what she’s (Susan) having! Remember when Harry met Sally? You’re a beaming light of Christ, Susan. Have you been staying at the Holiday Inn Express? You really nailed it for us in the opening summary to the questions and your follow ups, especially to Lee’s honesty, and the World Jr High really hits home with me because that’s who I minister to 7\8\9th graders.
Last night, our Journey group lesson was on “Challenged by Honesty,” based on scripture from St. John, “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. 1Jn1:5-7.
My boundaries, I believe, are directly proportioned to my faith and trust in Jesus in that the more I can love and follow him, the more I can love others, unconditionally.
As Henri and others have stated, “Loving others with no hope for anything in return.” My prayers for this Blog are being answered through your comments, thanks be to God.
October 8th, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
Susan, your image of reflecting a solitary beam of Christ’s love and light is such a lovely way of expressing the joy of setting boundaries. I too want to be the unique, beloved daughter of God that I am. I can’t do that if I try to be a floodlight!
October 8th, 2008 @ 9:22 am
Thank you , Lee, for your kind words. You mentioned that there is a kind of pride thing, a wanting to do it all. My life experience helps me learn to convert those moments into joy in realizing how singular and unique I am in God’s eyes, how that is true for every one of us. Why else would we exist unless we reflect a solitary beam of Christ’s light and love? I don’t do this as well or as often as I’d like, but I have seen the truth of it. When I was a very young woman, a beloved colleague told me, “don’t let people mistake your kindness for weakness!” I think that this is also a truth - we can be too often perceived as more what we have , look like , associate with, etc than who we are. That, too, is a boundary, albeit a shallow one that needs defining to ourselves more than to others. Sometimes the world behaves like a giant junior high school- with the in crowd, the nobodies, the outcasts. There is a temptation to reject oneself, to self hate as Henri would say. Then the need to draw the boundary of one ’s truth as the beloved of God is so important but so very hard. That’s what I’m seeing him do in this book, what I struggle for myself.
October 6th, 2008 @ 9:39 pm
How timely this topic is for me! This morning, I was working on my need to set boundaries…and I am 71! So, you see, there is hope for all!
The first three paragraphs are monumental. Without our own boundaries, we not only continue to expect the impossible from others, but we do not even see another’s boundary. We just continue to expect too much and then wallow in our own selp-pity when we are not fulfilled.
Without boundaries, relationships may self-distruct.
October 6th, 2008 @ 7:36 pm
I started reading this book about a month ago, and the timing was perfect as I have been working through and struggling with many of the issues Henri raises, and have drawn a lot of comfort from his words. I’ve amended the statement “the great task is to claim yourself for yourself” to “[my] great task is to claim my true self for myself,” my true self being the person God created me to be as opposed to the false self I’ve created over time. And I’ve found that, as God works within me over time, working with me to heal my broken parts and guiding me as my true self comes out, my boundaries are naturally shifting and becoming more comfortable and realistic. For many reasons, my false self set boundaries that, while they may have seemed to work for a while, don’t function well anymore. I, too, am learning and re-learning to love from the inside out, and I’m finding I have much more to give than I thought and don’t need to have the boundaries set as tightly as I did. I’m sure this will be an ongoing, lifelong journey; knowing from reading Henri’s book and the other comments here that others are on this same path gives me a lot of hope.
October 6th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
For me, part of the boundary setting means that I am not always the best person to meet someone’s particular needs. It’s a pride thing–I want to do it all. However, I can’t be all things to all people; God has gifted others in ways that He hasn’t gifted me. When I try to be there in every need, I may rob someone else of the opportunity to minister. Also, that is when I feel “exhausted, used, and manipulated.”
Susan, you really got to the heart of the matter by identifying the boundary as “the great task of claiming myself for myself.” When I know who I am, what I am and am not capable of, then it is more obvious where to put the boundary stakes. Peace and Joy in Jesus, Lee
October 3rd, 2008 @ 8:36 am
“containing your needs within the boundaries of yourself” for me means that it is becoming my solitude, taking my solitary spiritual journey to become who I already am- God’s child. It is offering love from the Inside Out rather than expecting others to define who I am by the Outside In. That’s the “great task of claiming myself for myself.” That is a boundary; it offers and is the God within. Thomas Merton said somthing similar: I am God’s mission to myself.”
I don’t believe it is easy or peaceful. It’s hard to do, as Henri says when we go through suffering, loss and pain. But no boundaries, no person. I think Henri is sharing his way back to personhood from pain:he is returning to himself through God’s grace and mercy AND his own will to be healed. He is looking for his own belovedness from the Beloved One.
October 2nd, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
The sentence “Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others,” says to me why boundaries are so needed. Acknowledging each person, respecting each person, being thankful for each person as a child of God is what we and the world need so desparately. But it seems to me that, when I have boundary problems, there is a hook in me and a hook in the other person and all this is below the surface. Before I even become conscious of this, problems are arising in the relationship that we both need to sort out. So actually there is continuously this learning about my need for boundaries and which parts of my personality are not as strong as they should be. There’s the rub–always learning, never there where the boundary problem is solved. Sometimes it’s hard to welcome these experiences.