Burning Hearts Discussion Question 1: Resentment?
Resentment is a powerful emotion. Henri wonders whether there are any people without resentments. It is good to put this idea onto the table without judgment, even though it might be difficult to admit. Let’s discuss. Maybe resentment is normal. What do you think? Do you think the resentment is stronger toward people or in response to an incident? Click on the comment button below to add your thoughts.
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July 18th, 2007 @ 11:15 pm
Thanks be to God that I found this discussion page tonight. Isn’t God good to us all the time, but especially in our times of troubles and trials? All day I have been struggling with these very emotions: anger, resentment, and bitterness. They are often consuming too much of my thinking, yet it seems that there is a process, maybe working out my salvation with fear and trembling, required before the truth of forgiveness can again be reality to my hurting heart.
One difficulty for me is that there are years of one offense after another. Little seems to change. I think there is victory finally, then something else happens and I’m back to those old familiar feelings again.
Nevertheless, forgiveness is 70 times 7. Forgiveness does more than release the offender, who sometimes seems unforgivable. Jesus never says the offense is not valid, nor promises that the other person will change, but that forgiveness releases me. Freedom comes to my heart when I can acknowledge that anger, resentment and bitterness are keeping me in bondage, rather than the other person.
So once again, I struggle with being human, and trying to accept the humanness of others.
My cry, too, is LORD HAVE MERCY!
Thanks to all of you for being honest and for being a great help in my journey to freedom. Bless you!
Lafayette, Indiana
July 10th, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
When I first heard the question for the opening discussion I right away said to myself and a friend “I didn’t feel resentment as much as anger”. Then I read the first chapter over and really started looking at my past life and realized that resentment has been part of me. Each time I left a position for personal reasons I did feel resentment with the person in charge. As I moved from one position to another there was resentment, but it didn’t remain with me once I moved on. I resented that others were not listening to me. I didn’t feel I had all the answers, but usually I was just shut off by those in charge. My resentment lasted only as long as I didn’t share my feelings with others. Once I could air my feelings with a friend the resentment did go away because I could think more clearly as I look at the whole picture and not just the one incident or person. As I moved away from the situation and went on with my life I realized that God was telling me it was time to move on even though it was difficult to leave what I loved. I have to say for a short time my anger did remain, but once settled in my new surroundings I felt thankful that what happened got me moving to a better situation. I really can say that my resentment changed to gratitude in a short time. I had a hurt feeling, but not resentment. In one situation I was advised to forgive the person even if I could not forget what took place. The Holy Spirit finally showed me that I could forgive but not forget. I feel blessed that I am a positive person and when I’m hurt I don’t dwell on the resentment, but on prayer to see me through.
July 8th, 2007 @ 4:50 pm
Well then, it seems as if resentment is a nearly universal experience for all of us. I find that interesting but not surprising. Thanks for sharing, all of you!
Since it’s so universal, we should allow ourselves to consider it this month without much judgment, OK? If we all have it, we’re unlikely to solve it in a month’s time. So let’s acknowledge it and talk about ways to deal with it as we continue to read and reflect.
July 7th, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
Greetings fellow readers!
I think that the primative survival instinct is mother to resentment. We want to defend ourselves and “watch out for strangers” and therefore stay away from those who threaten us. The shield of resentment really does not keep “the outside strangers” away, it has quite adverse effects. The shield keeps the loving core buried deep within us. It is so deeply buried, that we don’t even know where to begin to look for it. The protective shield, manufactured by fear, keeps us away from the Truth.
The above half baked reflection came to me after having read Henri’s line on page 33 - “Before breakfast I have already had many feelings of suspicion, jealousy, many thoughts about people I prefer to avoid, and many little plans to live my day in a guarded way.”
Gotta go - I’m off to Confession!
Peace and Blessings,
Sharon, Toronto
July 7th, 2007 @ 11:18 am
What Susan says “Resentment seems a very human, natural and normal emotion, unless it becomes the predominant one.” Certainly rings bells with me.The dictionary definition says “the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult”
So it seems to me we would need to be superhuman to not ever experience this emotion. It’s a natural reaction.
On page 38 Henri gives a beautiful illustration of how broken soil receives water and can then receive seed and grow and bear fruit. So as long as we are able to keep reaching out and up and accepting the forgiveness which heals,.. our resentment may prove a stepping stone towards that Special Companion he speaks about on page 41.
I have a need to keep going over and over these passages to try to really let them ’soak in’
July 7th, 2007 @ 8:11 am
I am looking forward to this timely reading group and have gained much in reading everyone’s thoughts ( no book yet). Resentment seems a very human, natural and normal emotion, unless it becomes the predominant one.
I think it drains my heart and soul,a secondary (and damaging) emotion in reaction to pain, hurt, loss, betrayal, rejection, etc.. for me. I carry enough wounds to be very vulnerable to sinking into resentment, just a blink away from despair. God’s mercy is the antidote,the better response, although it often takes me some time to put down the resentment and TRUST in God’s mercy to heal my pain or anger, or give me the grace to accept what must be accepted. I often fail and keep infecting my heart and soul. I heard a variation of a familar saying that made me smile and is pertinent here..”If you’re going to rent someone space in your head (or heart and soul), make sure they’re a good tenant!” I’ve all too often let resentment be the main tenant. I’m eager to get the book. Thanks to all.
July 6th, 2007 @ 11:20 pm
Hi again to all of you,
Yes, I do feel resentment, but often I journal to Jesus about it and as I write I realize He is asking to forgive whoever and just “let it go.” I had a dear friend that got really upset with me - not because I had said or done anything at all, but because this person had had a really bad day.
What transpired was an off and on two years of hurt and resentment when this person would not even accept my emails. I knew this person felt awful but found it hard to apologize. So finally at Christmas time I sent a letter asking that the person forgive me for my untimely call and that we both be at peace at Christmas. I prayed it would not be returned to me unopened.
Instead I got the most wonderful email from this person who was so very grateful for my letter. Sometimes our hurt and resentment has to be let go over and over before we can open a door with the person involved to be at peace. Other times, I learned from a dear friend that if I am finding it hard to let go of my resentment and forgive a person, to ask Jesus to help me to forgive that person with His heart. Each time I have done that, I am that much closer to forgiving the person from my heart.
I used to think forgiveness was easy. Is true forgiveness really easy? The words are, but if I have not let it go, I have not truly forgiven that person. The hardest person for me to forgive or accept forgiveness for is me.
July 6th, 2007 @ 7:37 pm
Greetings to all who have written before and will write after me. I have read “With Burning Hearts” a number of times and never understood where Henri was coming from in terms of resentment. At the time he authored this work, was he writing to remove some demons of his or his friends or was he writing in response to his earlier days studying psychology?
I see resentment as the tail end of the path from anger > bitterness > resentment. Is it normal or does our culture perpetuate it? Is it derived from true injustice or jealousy? My own life experience includes disappointment and frustration from unfulfilled expectations or broken dreams. I get angry when others don’t “behave” in a way I expect, when I can’t get my needs and desires met or when an injustice has come my way. I have experienced profound disappointment, emptiness and loss in a number of ways. I have not had the resentment that others, strangers, family and friends have shared.I also have been studying Christian discipleship for 26 years. Maybe my continued focus on Christ has tempered that.
I agree with Henri that loss is a lifelong experience. Dreams are lost through the years. We need to mourn those losses and find healing for them so they do not turn into bitterness and resentment. I admire Henri’s attempts to provide the opportunity of freedom for those dealing with resentment. I think the Eucharist is just part of the answer. People seeking healing from resentments need friends who are willing to journey with them through those dark moments and see them safely to the shores of inner peace.
Allen from West Babylon, NY
July 6th, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
Here’s an interesting application from today’s daily devotional. Beyond Jealousy/July 6 - “When we truly enjoy God’s unlimited generosity, we will be grateful for what our brothers and sisters receive. Jealousy will simply have no place in our hearts.”
Opposite ends of a spectrum - instead of being resentful for what we have not gotten from someone else, Nouwen is encouraging us to be grateful for what someone else has that we may not have. Why? Because a commitment to enjoy God’s unlimited generosity and who God is, is the reason for living. Shall I share my very, very favorite Nouwen quote? Yes, I will! “This is the deepest meaning of history: a constant invitation calling us to turn our hearts to God and so discover the full meaning of our lives.” (Here and Now, page 73)
So as we study the chapter on mourning our losses and deal with resentment, losses and resentments can be calls to conversion and discovery.
July 4th, 2007 @ 10:36 pm
As I have been reflecting on resentment, I realize that for me it is usually caused by stifled anger and hurt that I have been unable or unwilling to talk about with the person who has “treated me badly” or has made me feel unloved/unloveable, as Ann and Diane have mentioned. I think that part of releasing resentment has to do with being willing to be vulnerable in relationship and to speak of our hurt and anger i.e. speaking the truth in love. It is always risky to do that, because we have no way of knowing how it will be received. Sometimes, we will be hurt even more deeply if the response is not what we hope for.
July 4th, 2007 @ 8:58 am
Good morning and Happy 4th of July!
I picked up my book yesterday and promptly devoured the first chapter….that is after I looked through the book at the beautiful and inspiring artwork. I hope that some of you have this hardcover ‘gift edition’…it is exquisite and a book that I will treasure owning for years to come.
But the words of Henri, inspired by the Holy Spirit of our Lord, are what have once again impacted me the most. Thank you for your question Ed and I’ll join with you in saying that it ‘kicked me in the head’ too!
Is resentment ‘normal’? I’d have to answer that question with a question….what is ‘normal’? I’ve been trying to figure that out for years! Certainly Jesus wasn’t considered normal in His day or now. And if anyone had reason to be resentful it was He.
I find it interesting that Henri reflects first on our losses and encourages us to do the same…the 2 disciples on the road to Emmaus started out their journey in this way. Downcast and in despair. But Jesus meets them where they are and brings them to a place of hope.
Henri says that the journey begins with an acknowledgement and grieving of our losses. After that we have a choice…gratitude or resentment. I think that our natural human response will invariably be one of resentment. Who is ‘normally’ grateful for their losses as a first response? But we don’t have to stay there. Henri suggests that “the Eucharist presents another option”. I love that he reminds us that the celebration of the Eucharist begins with a cry for mercy. Isn’t that what we need when we are being resentful? Resentment is so self-destructive. Who can save us from this but Jesus…the one who had every reason to resent and yet did not. Just this morning I asked for His mercy for my unforgiving and resentful heart towards someone who has treated me badly.
Ann, I will echo what you said that resentment “resurrects all those feelings of being unloveable”. It rings so true for me. Resentfulness ties me up in knots. I find myself dwelling on “what is it about me that invites ’so and so’ to treat me this way–am I that unloveable?” But again, Henri helps with this when he actually encourages us to confess with contrite hearts our own sinfulness and “co-responsibility” for our losses and the conflicts in our personal lives. In the Catholic tradition, we say before receiving the Eucharist “Lord I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed”. When I simply accept my own sinfulness, I feel a lightening of the burden of resentment. I need help though…and the cry “Lord have mercy” has become my new daily prayer.
Peace to you all,
Diane
BTW…I live in a little town in very northern New Jersey…almost in New York State.
July 3rd, 2007 @ 1:46 am
My copy of the book is still ‘on its way’ to me., but may I join in anyway?
Is it possible that there are truly people without any resentment? I have always thought that it, along with many other emotions with which we struggle, are part and parcel of being human.The comforting part is that if we manage to remain firmly attached to The Vine, he will help us to deal with all these diseases that may prevent us bearing fruit. It’s pretty scary at times because being aware of resentment, mainly towards people, in my case, ressurrects all those feelings of being unloveable. I do honestly believe that resentment is fairly normal. I also feel that if and when I come across someone so saintly that they never feel resentment I would have strong desire to trip them up because it would smack of being ‘holier than thou’!! and I would resent that!!
July 2nd, 2007 @ 9:13 pm
In answer to your question — I think that I resent people more — because they seemingly have the “power” to conjure up emotions in me whereas a situation sometimes just happens and I might get upset for a while, but it’s easier to get over it.
I haven’t read the first chapter yet, but I can relate to your resentment at work — and I’m anxious to read what Henri has to say, because the Road to Emmaus is a very powerful story for me, and I often wonder if the person I hold so much resentment for could possibly be Christ trying to get my attention.
I live in Houston, TX — and miss living in the midwest with all it’s nice change of seasons.
July 2nd, 2007 @ 5:43 pm
Resentment is a universal emotion. Forgiveness is a universal antidote. Nouwen has encouraged us to forgive others for “not being God”, i.e no one will ever perfectly meet our needs or expectations. And forgiveness is the un-natural response to a natural, fallen-nature response of resentment at not getting what we think we want. Recognition - embracing the resentment - is an opportunity to grow (and here comes my very favorite Nouwen quote). “What happened invites you to conversion. This is the deepest meaning of history: a constant invitation calling us to turn our hearts to God and so discover the full meaning of our lives.”
And so, in those times of resentment, we have the opportunity to experience God’s call to conversion – to change who we are into the person God desires us to be – replications of Jesus – praying “Father, forgive them – they know not what they do.”
Do or can I see my resentment as a cross that God is allowing for my redemption? Just as the cross was God’s way of redeeming the world, each of us have crosses to bear which is God’s way of redeeming us – causing us to die to ourselves and become alive in Christ.
Looking forward to this discussion group. And we’re certainly off to a lively thought provoking start with the issue of resentment. And an admission of resentment. I’m currently sruggling with a resentment of a different sort. It’s a resentment at not having used resources better. And, then I reflect that this is an opportunity to grow in trust of God and not my only ability - the opportunity to use the situation as a call to conversion and find the true meaning of my life.
BTW – I’m from Valparaiso, Indiana
July 2nd, 2007 @ 7:16 am
The first chapter of this book kicks me in the head. I think immediately of someone close to me that I have great resentment toward. I am resentful enough that honestly, I have no intention of giving up the resentment, which gives me a certain smug feeling of power. And I can think of a lingering resentment at work, about a situation, that gnaws at me and takes too much of my energy. So this book is probably very timely for me, and I’ll look forward to moderating this discussion with you!
BTW, I live in Springfield, IL, USA. Where are you?